just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
