the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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