i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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