well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
