A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
