You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
