did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
