I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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