i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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