I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
