I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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