Got a toothbrush?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
