So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
