the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
please don't ironically join a cult
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