How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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