my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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