using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
