FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
