You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
