true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
