you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize