ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
