I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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