Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize