We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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