don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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