first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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