My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
