So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
