I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
