Can i not drive my cunt home
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
