having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
