Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
