Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
