R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Plan B is the new Plan A
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You made out with two different species that night
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
