she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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