yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't deserve a penis
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
