Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
