is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
