her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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