i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize