I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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