I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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