Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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