I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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