It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
