come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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