We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
