you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
