I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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