if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You're earring is so big in my mouth
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
