i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he fucked my hip out of place.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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