the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
