somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
